I can’t believe my baby girl is going to be starting kindergarten this fall. Everyone always says to enjoy every moment because it goes by fast and I knew that would be true but I never imagined it would go THIS fast. I have tried to be intentional about being in the moment (although I fail at this daily) over the past 5 years. I knew she was going to grow quickly and I wanted to hold on to as many childhood memories with her as I could.
I actually started a journal to Ellie before she was even born so I could collect memories. Honestly, I would like to say that the journal is full of written pages but it’s not. I am horrible at keeping up with things like that! Pretty sure I have not filled out any of Maren’s baby book yet. #3rdchildproblems Anyway, I find that most of the times I have written in Ellie’s journal are after a really hard day and I am feeling guilty. After everyone finally goes to sleep is when I’m able to take a breath and think clearly. (mom life right.) But, those late night replays of the day are usually when regrets set it. I know there are no perfect mothers and I know God hand picked me to be my children’s mom…but lot of days I feel like I just don’t measure up.
a lot of days I feel like I just don’t measure up
I feel like I have been trying to figure this whole mom thing out since she was born and I’m still a work in progress! Ellie was a surprise to us (an amazing one) but things have always been a whirlwind and sometimes (most times) I think the dust is never going to settle. I’ve never minded telling people our little story…maybe because there is no hiding it lol. We will be married for 5 years in December (crazy!) and Ellie turned 5 earlier this year in April. Ya go ahead and do the math 🙂 I know this is common these days but it doesn’t come without its stress. There were SO many emotions that came with finding out I was pregnant with Ellie and a lot of hurts came up from my past. I knew one thing for sure and that was there was no doubt we were going to have her. Even through all of the other emotions I felt(mostly fear) I was still excited.
I prayed SO much during those first few weeks about where to go from there. I had just graduated with my Masters and had every intention of becoming a school counselor. Honestly becoming a wife and and mom was not even on my radar. Tom and I had been dating at that point (not for very long) and I wasn’t even sure where we were at in our relationship. I had NEVER pictured myself as a stay at home mom…or even a mom really. I had SO many feelings to work through and it was hard. Funny, now I can’t imagine myself as anything but a SAHM at this point in my life!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
This verse has always been one of my favorites and I clung to it for dear life during this season. I knew that God’s plan was good. I knew that he COULD and WOULD make good things come from hard places. Ellie was born in April 2014 and she was the most beautiful baby ever. I know all moms say that…but seriously she was. She was in the NICU for the first week of her life and looking back now that was such a huge blessing for a nervous new mom. I had a whole team of nurses helping me learn how to care for a newborn. I actually got to sleep for hours at a time in my hospital bed and I knew she was under the best care. I was pretty spoiled by the whole thing and once we got back home I missed my nurses!
Reality set in fast and I struggled with some heavy postpartum blues. I never got on medication for it but I had so so many dark days. Looking back I actually don’t even remember a lot of her first year and it makes me so sad sometimes. But I also have learned I need to give myself grace most of all! Those years are over but they were not wasted.
Becoming a wife (to someone you’re still getting to know) and a mom all at the same time is not for the faint of heart. Yikes! I’ve always thought there is a reason God made it so our first memories don’t come until around age 4 (even though many will argue they had memories long before that). I think that reason is that those first few years are hard for all involved and it’s probably a good thing the children can not remember lol. I don’t even know how many times I cried during that first year and felt like a complete failure.
My faith that God works all things for the good is really what has kept me going. This season of life is HARD. Being a parent is hard, being married is hard, being married with small children..super hard. But it’s just a season. We have a lot of good times too, but sometimes I can’t handle ‘good times’ are all that people show any more. I hope my kids are learning by observation to trust in God through all circumstances….good and bad but most of all to have grace.